In part 1 I focused on outlining a biblical notion of stewardship. In this post I would like to develop a biblical notion of friendship. I hope to give us at least a little direction of on what you can do as parents to train your son/daughter to become a steward of friendships in the end.
Let me start by raising three questions:
1. Does the Bible suggest friends are a luxury or a necessity?
2. What is the nature of friendship?
3. How do you become a good friend?
Does the Bible Suggest Friends are a Luxury or a Necessity?
Timothy Keller has suggested that our culture values romance but not friendship. The example he gives is The book/movie series The Lord of the Rings. In the book the story is originally build around friendship. The movie cuts this out and replaces it with romance. Just think of it, how many movies or shows or songs etc. are you aware of that are not about romance and are simply about friendship? Good luck with that.
The suggestion here is that if there is a necessary relationship to forge it is a romantic one. After all, romance leads to (in a Christian sense) marriage and marriage leads to procreation and that is necessary for survival and the good of society. Really, friendship is mostly treated as optional, bonus, luxury to make life more interesting.
However, the Bible doesn't treat it this way. In fact, even marriage fails if friendship fails. If Christians categorize marriage as necessary they should do likewise with friendship because at its core, marriage is built upon the principles of covenant friendship (see John 15:12-15; Ephesians 5:22-25).
In all reality, Scripture suggests that true friendship is necessary to live a successful life. By successful we don't mean making lots of money. By successful we mean thriving in faith and growing in Christ-likeness. Consider the fact we are created in the image of a Triune God who eternally exists within community (Genesis 1:27) or Proverbs 18:24 that says A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Remember Proverbs was written in a familial culture. It is significant that it would suggest that a friendship could be more crucial than family (consider also Matthew 12:46-50 and David's relationship with Jonathan in 1 Samuel 18-20).
Unfortunately, as we age we have less and less time for forging friendship when we need them more and more.
What is the Nature of Friendship?
Here is an interesting quote from C.S. Lewis:
“If you want nothing but approval, if you want nothing but friends, you’ll never have friends, because friendship is always about something besides friends. That is why those pathetic people who simply ‘want friends’ can never make any. The very condition for having friends is that we should want something else besides friends.”
In other words what he is saying is that friendships are built on something two or more people have in common. Or, to put it in terms that C.S. Lewis talked about himself he said friendship is when two people look at something and say "you see that too?" Meaning, you see the beauty or value in said thing and there is a shared enjoyment over that thing. The gospel is the ultimate friendship maker because when two people can look at Christ and see his beauty it doesn't matter if they like sports or not or share interests in music or art, Jesus goes deeper and forges a bond that is more profound than all of those things combined.
If we look back at Proverbs 18:24 we can see that friendship is contrasted with companionship. The difference is companions are not covenantal. Companions only go so far as shared interests and they remain interested in the relationship as long as it is useful or benefitting to them. Friendship is based on shared interest but it goes deeper to something covenantal. A friend is there for you even when you are not there for them. There is a fine line that needs to be clarified here, namely, that we are not talking about an abusive relationship. We are talking about a friend who "loves at all times"(Proverbs 17:17 and a friend cares enough about the relationship to go beyond superficiality (Proverbs 27:4-5).
How Do you become a Good Friend?
And by this I mean, how can parents help their sons/daughters to become good friends?
1. Teach them to look to Jesus and depend on Jesus as the example of good friendship.
2. Model good friendship in your marriage and with your stated friends.
2. Model good friendship in your marriage and with your stated friends.
3. Know the biblical standards of good covenant friendship and hold your son/daughter to these standards in all their relationships. Teach them to look to Jesus as the example of real friendship.
4. Instill a mindset of stewardship into your son/daughter. Let them know that a steward receives gifts and treasures from God (including good friends) and friendship has purposes for God's glory. Teach them to think of every part of their lives on loan from God and how each part of their lives connects back to Him. Help them to make connections with their managing of God's gifts and the fruit they will enjoy.
5. Teach them the difference between covenant friendship and companionship. Help them to come to see the difference for themselves so they can make wise decisions.
6. Teach them that being a good friend requires time and investment. Without these a good friendship cannot be forged. Teach them to assess themselves honestly in light of biblical standards of friendship.
7. Help them to set realistic expectations for their friendships. Help them to understand that they cannot have many friends that take real time and emotional investment. Do your best to determine their motives for friendships and what they are hoping to gain from them.
There are probably more pointers. If you can think of any that might be worth sharing, please send them my way. I am a parent dealing with teenagers who are making friends...some better than others.
May God bless our young people with sweet and fruitful friendship for their joy and God's glory,
Pastor Kevin
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