Are you a provocative parent? That is a provocative question, isn’t it? Today we are going to dive in and explore some top ways parents might be guilty of provoking their child to anger and violating Ephesians 6:4.
Lou Priolo is very helpful at this point. Below I included his list of 25 ways parents provoke their children to anger. However, his top two are the most unexpected and the two I want to give further explanation for. Here they are:
Not having marital harmony. Relationship between husband and wife must be the priority relationship in the home. We have to distinguish between normal quabbles between husbands and wives that wouldn’t be considered a lack of marital harmony. In fact, it can be healthy for a child to witness tension between parents and then seeing them resolve it in the Lord. However, if there is a lack of harmony over time and your marriage is characterized more by disunity rather than unity, this puts an unfair burden upon a child and gives them a load to bear that is too great for their capacity, provoking anger. Witnessing the unending patterns of friction will frustrate a child who needs support from their mom and dad. A child in this environment may grow to become hopeless and cynical, even deceptive as they will perceive it a necessary skill for survival. Christian parents must prioritize the health of their marriage and seek help if needed to get it to where it needs to be. There is hope for you in the gospel.
By establishing and maintaining a child-centered home. As Christians you will either have a God centered home/child centered home. Angry children are usually cultivated in child-centered homes. This word cultivate is important because provoking children to anger addresses more than a parent saying something hurtful to their child and then their child reacting in anger. We are talking about a child who grows up in a home in which the child gets the idea that it all exists to please them and serve them. The reason this cultivates anger is because eventually the child will encounter a world that isn’t like their home and they will perceive that everyone is against them and they will become angry. In this, provoking anger isn't just a moment in time, a feeling that comes and goes but a disposition by which an angry person is characterized by. A God-centered home is a home that is committed to pleasing and serving God and a child learns to serve rather than be served. To honor rather be honored. To give and be loving rather than be selfish.
This is where compassionate moms need to pause and examine themselves. Most Christian moms would agree with the premise of a God-centered home. What mom would ever set out and declare, "I want to establish a child-catered home?" None would. Yet it’s possible you are creating a child centered environment without intending on it. I have seen many mothers over-nurture their child to the point they may be guilty of provoking them to anger. Moms tend to want to spare their child from every hurt or pain or trouble and it isn’t always healthy. Moms who are controlled by fear try to eliminate any negative outcome and by so doing, create a very child centered experience for their kids. If dads tend to provoke their children to anger out of harshness, moms need to watch out for excessive tenderness.
Another consideration is to remember that you are one flesh with spouse, not your children. Husbands, you are one flesh with your spouse, not your job or your fishing pole or your rifle. Wives, you are one flesh with your husband, not with your child. When there is more intimacy between a parent and child than that of your spouse the foundation of a child-centered home is being laid. In this, lack of marital harmony and a child centered home go hand in hand in provoking our children to anger.
As I’ve been saying, parents ought to concern themselves with Ephesians 6:4 as much as Ephesians 6:1. Beware of holding your kids to a standard you are not even holding yourselves to. Read this list with your spouse and honestly examine yourselves. Educate your children not only on what God expects of them but on what God expects of you. The more they know about what Godly parenting looks like the more they will be protected and empowered to provide accountability for you.
Here is the Rest of the list.
In Christ,
Pastor Kevin
25 WAYS ADULTS PROVOKE CHILDREN TO ANGER
Lack of Marital Harmony
Establishing & Maintaining a Child-Centered Home
Modeling Sinful Anger
Habitually Disciplining While Angry
Scolding
Being Inconsistent with Discipline
Having Double Standards
Being Legalistic
Not Admitting You’re Wrong & Not Asking For Forgiveness
Constantly Finding Fault
Reversal of God-given Roles
Not Listening to the Child’s Opinion or Not Taking His or Her “Side of the Story” Seriously
Comparing Them to Others
Not Making Time “Just to Talk”
Not Praising or Encouraging Your Child
Failing to Keep Your Promises
Chastening in Front of Others
Not Allowing Enough Freedom
Allowing Too Much Freedom
Mocking Your Child
Abusing Them Physically
Ridiculing or Name Calling
Unrealistic Expectations
Practicing Favoritism
Child Training with Worldly Methodologies Inconsistent with God’s Word
From: THE HEART OF ANGER by Lou Priolo. Calvary Press, Amityville, NY.
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