1. Not having marital harmony. The relationship between husband and wife must be the priority relationship in the home. Typically, wives must remember they are one flesh with their husband, not their children. Typically, husbands must remember that they are one flesh with their wives, not their job or their hobby. When more intimacy between parent and children surpasses that of spouse the foundation of a child centered home results. There is a correlation between lack of harmony and angry children.
2. By establishing and maintaining a child-centered home. Angry children are usually cultivated in child-centered home. What is a child centered home? A child who believes the home exists to please the child, where everyone is committed to pleasing and serving the child. A God-centered home is a home is a home that is committed to pleasing and serving God and everyone is committed to pleasing and serving God. A God-centered home exalts God’s desires above everyone else’s. Everyone is expected to sacrifice personal pleasures if God’s will requires it. This home teaches children to serve rather than be served, to honor rather be honored, to give and be loving rather than be selfish.
3. Modeling sinful anger. Whenever there is a problem in our life we can internalize (implosive anger). Implosive anger may include clamming up, pouting, withdrawal, offering the "cold shoulder" (vengeance). The other extreme is explosive anger which included blowing up, yelling, threatening, and slamming doors. Anger teaches our children that the only way deal with conflict is to win instead of teaching them the biblical resources necessary to resolve conflict. Jay Adams said "anger is an emotion that God gives us to attack or destroy something." Angry people need to learn how to communicate and they need to learn to attack the problem instead of the person.
4. By constantly disciplining your child in anger: When parents are angry its is easy for them to over-discipline. In their anger may be perceived as a personal attack and it will be received as vindictive rather than corrective.
5. Having inconsistent discipline patterns: It is better to have one person tighten and one loosen than to have two different standards. Avoid setting two different standards and avoid the failure to enforce standards consistently.
6. By having double standards: "Do as I say not as I do." Have you ever been tempted to rely on this? When children see their spiritual leaders using double standards it angers children just like the hypocrisy of the scribes and Pharisees angered Christ.
7. By being legalistic: Legalism is referring to any time one elevates a man made rule to the culpability of God-given command. God has given parents the responsibility to develop from Scripture a set of rules that govern the house. Biblically directed rules refer to rules a child is always obligated to obey because they are God’s rules (e.g. don’t lie). Biblically derived rules relate to rules that a child is only obligated to obey as they relate to their house. These rules must be based on principles of God's truth. Parents can create a culture where man made rules are able to be questioned while biblically directed rule may not.
8. Not admitting when you are wrong: The more a parent in the wrong can specify what you have done wrong the better. Afterwards, parents should detail what they should have done (biblical responses). Not admitting wrong provokes children to anger and doesn’t give children confidence that you realize you have done something to offend them. Consequently, children are not given the hope that the standard they are expected to keep should really matter.
9. By having unrealistic expectations: Parents should emphasize character, not achievement. If parents draw too much attention on performance it will encourage perfection rather than confessing and repenting of sin. Parents should carefully consider how children change. Do you have a biblical understanding of this? Never expecting unregenerate teenagers to act like Christians. Know the difference between expecting Christian teenagers to always want to do right rather than expecting them to do right even if they don’t feel like it.
10.Training them with worldly methods and not being consistent with God’s word: Scripture commands parents to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Not in the discipline and instruction of Dr. Phil.
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