Maybe the title is superfluous. Maybe it should just read, “Parenting a Child” and it should be assumed that parenting all children is difficult. Yet, if you have done any parenting or any volunteering with any number of children anywhere at any time you probably know that one size does not fit all. Not all children are created equal, some are easier while others are not. Some are more obedient while others push the limits. Some learn quickly while other do not. Some are compliant while other challenge everything. Some are motivated and self-directed while others can spend their entire day being distracted and get nothing of value accomplished.
In other words, some children are difficult, and yes, more difficult than others.
This can be true in seasons, as well. It may not be so that a chile is always difficult. It may just be they are going through a challenging stage of development or a difficult transition that requires extra wisdom, extra patience, extra grace, extra extra! No parent or mentor will come out of their role unscathed by at least some measure of difficulty that pushes them to the limit. What do you do? Here are a few suggestions.
Evaluate Your Motives
All parents have motives all the time. Psalm 127:3 says children are a blessing from the Lord. Often times they don’t seem like a blessing or a gift as Scripture suggests. They are. One of the ways they are is that they can expose what our driving motives really are. Here are some questions you may use to examine your heart:
-Do I depend on my parenting and my child responding to this parenting so that it will give me a good reputation?
-Do I expect a child who is productive, smart and kind so it reflects well on me?
-Do I over value a high achieving child so that they will excel and have opportunities I want them to have?
-Am I embittered because I have invested myself into my child without seeing any results?
The way you answer these questions will reveal whether or not you are making an idol of your children and your parenting. An idol is a desire become a demand, a good desire that has replaced God in my heart. Parenting is filled with the landmines of idolatry. As difficult as parenting is we need to make sure we are not adding to the stress with our own sin.
Know The Division of Labor Between You and God
Remember your role isn’t to be God but to model him in your lifestyle. This means you are not responsible for changing their hearts or convincing their minds of anything. God must convict your child and he must change their hearts. You can check your lifestyle and your character and you can understand who they are in order to respond wisely to their struggles but you cannot conform your child into the image of Christ. This is between them and God and it isn’t a part of your job description.
If you are trying to make things turn out a particular way you might also be judging your effectiveness as a parent based on your child’s response. Stop doing this. Be faithful to God and let him direct the results in his way and in his timing. By misunderstanding your job description and the division of labor between God and yourself it is entirely possible you are adding unneeded stress to your parenting.
Wrestle and Rest in these Four Questions
Here are four good questions you can ask yourself along your parenting journey, especially when you are caught in the grind of a child that you are not seeing much fruit with.
Is my parenting loving?
Is my parenting consistent?
Is my parenting wise?
Is my parenting fair and just?
Of course, any parent can judge themselves harshly on these questions but you shouldn’t. No one can be perfect in any area much less every area. However, are you generally loving, consistent, wise, fair and just. Ask your spouse to examine you.
The goal in assessing yourself isn’t to locate blame, it is to make sure you are employing the right criteria to make sure you are not veering off course. Parenting is sometimes like steering a ship at sea when the sea is so vast there is no way to tell if you are on course or getting any closer to your destination. Thus, a captain needs some type of instrument to let them know they are not actually further from their destination than they are closer to it. At times, if a captain didn’t know any better it may feel they are not making any progress. Parenting can be like being a captain at sea with nothing around them to indicate if they are making progress. This is where parents must rely on their devices or their coordinates. These four questions are the coordinates that, if following along by, will eventually lead them to their destination. In this case, God must provide and do his work through your faithfulness to him, and he will in his time and in his way.
Parents, don't lose heart. Let me leave you with this encouragement from Paul in Galatians 6:9:
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.
The gospel is both realized and revealed through faithfulness in a difficult situation. Don't give up and don't lose heart. In due season, you will reap the sweet fruits of God's steadfast love and kindness.
In Christ,
Pastor Kevin
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