Love The Family You Have by Pastor Kevin Feder

When Jesus taught about love he quickly distinguished it from the common understanding held by just about anyone with a heartbeat. What was this common understanding? "Love your neighbor and hate your enemy" (Matthew 5:43). Just a few verses later Jesus engages this sentiment when he says: "For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?" (v. 46). Since we don't have anything equivalent to a tax collector in our day imagine a greasy politician sprinkled with a slippery lawyer contorting the law to defend a serial killer. Thus, the point Jesus makes is that if you love those who love you, namely, those whom you naturally have affinity with, your love is on par with a tax collector. This isn't exactly a compliment and it certainly isn't a kind of love you need the power of the Holy Spirit for.

Thus, the profound point that Jesus makes about love here is that true love isn't mutually beneficial. True love, demonstrated on the cross, is actually a one way street in which the person loving is doing so sacrificially for another's good, even when they don't realize it, appreciate it or care to be loved. 

This lesson becomes really important when we think about our family. Just about everyone can sit down and recount many, many things they love about their family, probably far more things they love than they don't. Having said that, and you might know where this is going, there are also things that are less than ideal. Before you started a family, even before you got married or had kids you probably envisioned what your spouse would be like and imagined what it could be. Same with your children. If you are being honest there are things about your spouse and things about your children or lack of children that are not what you envisioned or wanted. How does the gospel meet us in this? 

You might even find yourself saying: "God, this isn't what I prayed for, why did you give me this" or "why did you withhold that?" The beauty of the gospel is that it teaches us what true love really is. If we apply the gospel to the situations of our life we can begin to see that the circumstantial or situational "thorns" in our flesh are actually gifts from God and tools that he graciously uses to teach us how to love. If you had gotten the spouse exactly as you had dreamed the best you could do is love like a tax collector. If you had gotten the perfect little children that you had envisioned you would only love in mutually benefitting ways. The fact is, you haven't gotten everything you envisioned and this is exactly where God is inviting you to learn how to truly love. 

Here are three considerations about learning to love the family you have: 

First, in order to love the family you have you must stop forcing your family into the box that you have envisioned and learn to embrace the family God has given you. Your child may not play your favorite sport. They may not understand your humor. They may be more or less sensitive than you prefer. They might be interested in all the things you could care less about. They may not respond to your natural demeanor or ways of doing things. They might be shy or timid when you want them to be assertive and confident. They may not be musically inclined or they might have a hard time making friends and you find yourself saying, "I never had difficulty making friends, why are they so different?" 

Parents have to be careful not to force their child into the box that you had previously envisioned and if you are doing this you are communicating to your child, I will only love you if I find you lovely. This isn't the love of Jesus that makes him attractive, instead your child will feel condemned and they will either legalistically try to meet your standards or drift away from you in anger.

Second, in order to love the family you have you must learn the differences between biblical mandates and pragmatic formulas. A mandate is a non-negotiable command given in Scripture such as bring up your children in "the discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4). A formula is, for example, that your family should strive to get your kids into rigid schedules at a young age so that they will be well-behaved and respectful. Parents, learning to love the family you have must come to grips with the fact that the Bible does not command rigid schedules. This particular formula, for instance, can only produce highly structured homes, there is no promise that kids will be well rounded or respectful to authority as a result of it. While some children and parents will thrive with a rigid structure others who are wired differently will not, which is why the Bible does not mandate it. Here is a good quote from Julie Lowe:

"The truth is, wisdom and maturity are revealed in the way parents live their lives before the Lord and with their families-not what time everyone goes to bed...In the Bible and in life, families are filled with individuals with differing gifts, aptitudes, hobbies, and skills. They are best guided by biblical wisdom, not the latest formula. Biblical wisdom equips you to create a home that is attentive to the individual people God has placed within it, so that you can raise your children to follow the Lord, and you can all live together in a Christ-centered way...Instead of providing a parenting recipe, God call parents to think biblically, wisely, and carefully about what love looks like in their unique family. This calling requires an absolute dependence on godly wisdom, on spiritual discernment regarding my family, and on personal holiness to be what my family needs me to be. The goal is a home centered on Christ." 

Third, in order to love the family you have requires you to focus more on your own Godly character and less on your child's behavior. Parents tend to focus on Ephesians 6:1 (Children obey your parents) more than they focus on Ephesians 6:4 (Fathers do not provoke your children to anger but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord). Every parent has an incentive to focus on their child's behavior: it makes their lives easier and makes them look like better parents. Okay, thats two. Still, parents can easily get hung up on their child's behavior while neglecting this question: is my attitude Christlike or not? Parenting is a call to shepherding your children who need Jesus. "When we focus on what our role should be in our children's lives and on knowing them personally, we focus less on their behavioral improvements and more on how the Lord is calling us to shepherd them" (Julie Lowe, 24). When parents work too hard on trying to see behavioral changes in their children they invite themselves to fleshly disappointments and mechanisms to reach their goals. What our children really need is transformation and for that, they need to encounter the grace of Christ as it is modeled in a shepherding parent who labors to know them and guide them through the challenges of life. 

May God give us grace as parents to love the family you have. God gave it to you and it is his gracious gift to you so that you will learn to love like Christ does. 

Pastor Kevin