Proverbs 12:1 Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.
Today I would like to focus on helping parents raise children to avoid biblical stupidity. In other words, if you read yesterday's entry you will remember that stupid in the Bible refers to a kind of refusal to submit to God's authority and accept correction from him. Living as if God doesn't have this place of authority in your life is what the Bible calls senseless and stupid. Thus, it isn't a put-down in the American application of it as much as it is a warning against those who insist on living in rebellion to God.
The question we can ask today is this: is there anything that parents can do to help their children appreciate authority and appreciate correction in their lives? Yes, I think there is. Assuming we agree that God's authority and our submission to it is reflected in the human relationships we keep, then the way children learn to respond to parents will have an impact in determining how children will respond to God. Maybe another way we can ask the question at hand is like this: "how can parents help their kids to experience correction as a pleasant thing rather than a loathsome thing?"
Now, as a side dish, I should point out that parents are held responsible for this to a point. At some point a child will grow up and as this happens, the responsibility for them to know God and respond to him is increasingly on him or her. This should come as a sigh of relief for parents and it should also guard us from approaching parenting like it is a kind of magic potion--as long as we get the formula right it just keeps giving us the results we want/like. When parenting becomes no more than a formula then it can be terribly discouraging, even disillusioning. Not to mention, it can produce a world of self-righteous legalism. Parenting is a calling from God, the incomprehensible God who uses parenting in the parents sanctification as much or more than in their child's.
With that, let me suggest that parents can make correction appealing when children can trust that correction is designed to lead them to God and eternal life. The New Testament has some great instructions:
Colossians 3:21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.
Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
There is a way parents must discipline and instruct that doesn't provoke children to anger. Perhaps the easiest way to make sense of this is to suggest that if a parent instructs in anger it will produce anger in their child. When a parent is angry with their child for all of their child-likeness and their folly their instruction is ultimately selfish and something to the tune of: "get out of my way." This kind of correction forces the child to chew on the bitter herbs of death instead of the sweet fruits of life that comes from Christ. Enough bitter chewing and death will surely flavor everything they taste.
Let me say two things to fathers since Scripture addresses them. First, fathers have a unique role in representing God since he is our heavenly father. Thus, a child responding to their father uniquely prepares them for how they will or will not respond to their heavenly father. Second, Scripture seems to assume fathers are more prone to anger. Since men are generally less compassionate and nurturing than women, a father's propensity to impatience, harshness and anger seem to be a greater possibility with greater potential for damage. We talked about stupid in the American put-down sense and the biblical warning sense. Angry parents who correct out of annoyance or control have a way of making their children feel stupid in the American put-down sense. If there is any warning it is the warning that dad's wrath is being kindled, "so stop what you are doing and stop it quickly" will be the message your children will receive and it doesn't do any favors to helping our children love correction.
On the other hand, Proverbs models a father (parent) who pleads with his son (child). We see the parent appeal to his/her sense and reasonableness. This is crucial because it already treats the child with the respect that an image bearer of God deserves. In other words, one created in the image of God has the both the ability and responsibility to know God and respond to him. Ungodly anger undercuts both of these faculties in the child. On the one hand it strikes the fear of man into the heart of a child and by so doing it removes the volitional response of the child. Instead of the child responding on their own they are forced to respond a certain way out of fear (the bad kind of fear). On the other hand, it doesn't honor the child as one who has the ability to reason and by so doing come to a sensible conclusion out of obedience. When the Bible talks about stupidity it describes someone who hates correction, who is senseless and almost animal-like. Parents, and maybe especially fathers, must ask themselves if their own anger is leading their child to become biblically stupid or to avoid being biblical stupid.
To make one last point from Proverbs, the father (parent) instructs and corrects out of the motivation for relationship. The underlying assumption seems to be that the more responsive the son is to his instruction the deeper the relationship has the possibility of going. The kind of anger and provoking the New Testament warns fathers against doesn't produce relationship, which doesn't therefore equate to life in knowing God. If the sum total of ungodly anger is "get out of my way" then children will equate correction with separation, which is the very opposite of what God intends. In fact, the warning against biblical stupidity is ultimately a warning against the one who refuses correction and by so doing, refuses God himself.
Of course, this is a heavy burden and there is indeed a lot at stake. Instead of tracing our more and more parenting nuances let me point all of us to the cross of Christ. This is the place we find forgiveness and everything we need for parenting. Sitting at the feet of the cross is the remedy for the angry and impatient parent. The foot of the cross is the source of patience, compassion, and correction. In other words, growing in Christ and knowing his work at the cross is the only way a parent can balance the call to correct with the life-giving motivation that will make receiving correction a sweet fruit for a child.
Yes, a child must respond and love correction. They must avoid biblical stupidity. But also yes, parents must not make their child feel American stupid for their folly. May we appeal to our children out of love, that they might hear the warning against stupidity as a deeper warning that jeopardizes relationship, with their parents and ultimately with their God.
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